Hindsight is always 20/20. But when you’re in the thick of things, when you’re actually living and experiencing whatever “it” may be, more often than not, the why of it and the “what now” of it aren’t as clear.
As was pointed out to me by world-renowned author and self-help mentor Martha Beck, throughout my entire life, madness has either been tracking me or I’ve been tracking it. And I’ve pretty much cursed my fate and damned my family tree all along the way.
What I didn’t realize until recently, however, is that while I may have cussed and fought and rebelled and even run from the imperfect and unpleasant and unhinged in my life, I also found a work around. Or maybe “work around” isn’t wholly accurate. What I found, it turns out, is magic within the madness. I, without necessarily planning it (at least consciously), somewhere deep in my soul, believed enough in me — the POWER in me — and everything greater than me to integrate and work with the “it” of insanity (no matter what that insanity might be).
Embracing the good and the bad, the predator and the prey, the beauty and the beast: I had been learning my whole life to do so. Even in my college days, my early writing, every story and character that came to me struggled to balance the very best and the very worst of what lived within themselves. My stories always included hurdles from people or situations outside of our main characters, but at the end of the day, the battles were won only when the hero within made the decision to show up.
And so now I find myself saying with utter certainty that everything I have lived has, indeed, driven me to the very point I am at now. And I also say with even more certaintly that other than this moment, I have no guarantee of what, if anything, comes next. I know that “it” will come. I know that “it” will be euphoric or crushing or benign. I know that whatever it is, it will be what is to be. And THAT is more than okay with me.
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