memoir Archives - Paolina Milana - author and writer for hire

Divine Intervention and Faith

October 22, 2017 By Paolina Milana Leave a Comment

My mother never thought the story of her life was all that special. She actually never gave it much thought at all. In truth, neither did I.

Until one terrible stormy night, in my attempt to help calm her fear of thunder, I sat her down and asked her to share her memories while I took notes.

I asked my mother about her favorite fun things to do when she was a child.

She told me about the days she spent as a little girl in Sicily during WWII, hiding in the basement of her war-torn home while sounds of planes flying overhead were followed by too-close-for-comfort explosions of the bombs they were dropping. My mother’s eyes welled up with tears as she acknowledged that she didn’t get to have a very happy childhood.

I never knew.

I then asked mom if she had ever been rebellious as a teenager.

She immediately lit up like a firefly reminiscing about her 16-year old self in the 1940s, walking on cobblestone streets, teetering on her high heels from exhaustion, hurrying to get home in time to help make dinner after a long day working as a seamstress’ apprentice.

[Read more…]

Soul Collage: Giving Voice to The Real Me

September 20, 2016 By Paolina Milana Leave a Comment

A friend invited me to something called “Soul Collage” for writers. I was feeling a bit down, and I hadn’t seen her for a while, so I figured I’d go. I had no idea what I really was walking into.

The room held only a handful of us: one woman a multi-Olympic medal winner; one man an award-winning screenwriter; a few others and me. No rhyme or reason as to what brought us all together. The leader asked us to move to a part of the room where on the floor and in boxes were hundreds if not thousands of pictures. Some photographs, some works of art, some images torn out of magazines and books. Some were landscapes, some inanimate objects, some human, some animals. Some gave no hint to what they were, other than abstract. We were told to choose ten or so images that jumped out at us and called our name. No need to think much. Just act on instinct.

Once we had our images, we returned to our work tables and layed them out. A frame captured them into one view. And then we were asked to tell everyone in the room what our “soul collage” had to say about us…

THAT is when we all struggled to find our voices. Not because we couldn’t, but because we were struck a bit speechless at what our true selves had to say. My “soul collage” revealed to me something I always have felt deep inside: that I’m unique, different, special…and that I defy gravity and was meant to rise to a greater purpose.

We each were to have our say, outloud. Here’s what came out of me:

“I am the one who is power. I am the one who is weak. I am the one who everyone sees the exterior stone. But I am the one who inside feels all alone. I am the one who tells herself how unworthy she is. I am the one who used to have a protector, and that protector used to be me. I am the one who now allows others to tell me how unworthy I am. I am the one who finds myself in the middle of a circus. I am the one who doesn’t even know who she is anymore. I am the one who struggles to allow both sides to co-exist.

What I have to say to you is both sides of you are worthy. Both the vulnerable and the bitch. What I have to say to you is that you are power, not just when you’re swinging a hammer, but even when you’re at your most vulnerable.”

I visited my long-time shrink in Chicago and shared my “soul collage” with her. She immediately focused on the little girl front and center, asking me, “So what do you think she’s saying to you?”

I wasn’t sure.

My shrink said, “She’s tapping her foot and telling you ‘come on already’!”

As usual, my shrink was right.

I feel something changing. I always have. I’ve always fought it for one reason or another. Maybe for one excuse or another. The power I’ve always believed to be inside me. And it’s trying to get me to where I believe I’m supposed to be.

In Celebration of My Own Patron Saint Papà

March 19, 2016 By Paolina Milana Leave a Comment

Today is my father’s birthday. March 19. He was born on St. Joseph’s Day, a big celebration for Italians, especially Sicilians. As a kid, year after year, our entire family would dress up, pile into our white Pontiac Catalina, and drive to some church or somebody’s home for a “feast of fishes” – a gorgeous display of food, similar to a cruise ship’s midnight buffet, but set up on an altar paying homage to the patron saint of fathers, families, and workers.
It’s fitting that my Papà and St. Joseph would share their day. Fathers, families, and workers: that pretty much sums up what my dad Antonino Milana represented, at least during my lifetime and from my perspective. (That’s me as a baby in his arms; my siblings were flower girl and ring bearer at my aunt’s wedding.)

My mother once told me “Che pense? Papà non ha mai cambiato i pannolini finché mi sono ammalato.”

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Overcoming Delusion; Realizing Self-worth

February 12, 2016 By Paolina Milana Leave a Comment

Styx’s “Grand Illusions” album came out in 1977. I was 12-years old. From the moment I heard the first track, I was hooked.

“So if you think your life is complete confusion

’cause your neighbor’s got it made

Just remember that

It’s a grand illusion

And deep inside we’re all the same”

Every song seemed to speak to a universal theme – overcoming self-delusion and realizing self-worth – and that all spoke to me.

My older siblings Ross and Cathy actually took me to see Styx’ “Grand Illusions” live concert for my birthday. It was my first concert ever. We sat on the main floor in folding chairs. I can still see myself, standing on my chair, holding Ross’ hand so I wouldn’t fall, singing as loudly as I wanted to, shaking my behind and feeling so free. Nobody watching. No one condemning. No need to keep anything secret or pretend to be somebody I wasn’t. I could just be me.

I think that’s why I loved Styx so much. I most likely didn’t know it back then, or at least at the age of 12, I probably couldn’t articulate it. But somewhere deep inside, I knew. I wasn’t a bad girl. I wasn’t any different than any other coming of age kid, awakening sexually. [Read more…]

New Year’s Resolutions? How about “Revelations”?

January 10, 2016 By Paolina Milana Leave a Comment

A lot has happened to me in my 50-years on this planet. I’m certain that could be said of every other individual who shares the same air I breathe. The “a lot” that has happened has been both positive and, well, maybe not so positive. Births. Deaths. Celebrations. Rejections. Again, I know I’m not alone. Plain and simple, it’s all a part of life. Like an etch-a-sketch, sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down, sometimes you’re status quo or flatline (depending on your perspective).

Today, I put together my annual vision board. What is it, you ask…? According to Make A Vision Board, “a vision board is a tool used to help clarify, concentrate and maintain focus on a specific life goal. Literally, a vision board is any sort of board on which you display images that represent whatever you want to be, do or have in your life.” Here’s mine for this year…

It has dawned on me, today, while working on this, that for years, my vision boards have been quite similar in dreams and desires. And slowly, in baby step fashion, much of what I’ve envisioned for myself has, indeed, come into existence for me. But it’s not until this very moment that I have realized that for way too long, I’ve been telling myself a story that needs to change in order to bring about what I really believe I was meant to do. [Read more…]

Hindsight and the Haze of Mental Illness

July 25, 2015 By Paolina Milana Leave a Comment

It has taken me decades to vomit out the story of my coming of age. It’s taken me decades more to put pen to paper, publish, and share it with others. My memoir “The S Word” spills all sorts of secrets, many of which involve surviving my mother’s mental illness, from the late 1970s to the mid-1980s. Having gone undiagnosed for years, Mamma’s rage nearly silenced us all – similar to the actions of people like Andrea Yates whose mental illness drove her to drown her five children in the bathtub in 2001. Only we didn’t know it at the time…how close my siblings and I may have come to a similar fate. When we finally learned that my mother’s disease had a name – “paranoid schizophrenia” – the stigma preceding it only added to the reality we all had been living, and we secretly longed to return to our ignorance, still hoping and praying that she had “anything but.” To protect ourselves, we made sure that no one outside of a select few even knew.

Mental illness isn’t like a broken bone that can be fixed or even cancer that has the possibility of being cured. Quite the contrary, mental illness can never be fixed, and it has no cure. At its best, it is tolerated – managed – by cocktails of drugs whose levels must constantly be measured. It is the ultimate never-ending story with ups and downs and twists and turns, and the power to take down not just those who are ill, but those who love and care for them. The fact that mental illness is, indeed, hereditary, only adds insult to injury. In my family, the crazy genes continued, claiming my little sister at the age of 24.

In many ways, mental illness is a death sentence. Or, perhaps, from the perspective of someone who has lived through its devastation not once but twice, mental illness can result in the wish for death, the period at the end of the sentence. [Read more…]

“In Loving Memory”: Thank You, Mamma

June 30, 2015 By Paolina Milana Leave a Comment

Mamma lingered for days on life support. Her final moments had me begging nurses for morphine to end it. “It” being her body convulsing, fighting, rebelling…refusing to give up and let go. “Pulling the plug” is not the serene Lifetime Movie moment where a loved one exhales and serenely slips away.

Mamma’s death mimicked her life. Everything she was, all that she had, she fought for it, she struggled to get it – before and after schizophrenia got her. And yet, even when mental illness took root in her, she fought it, refusing to act on orders from voices no one else could hear. [Read more…]

Humbling and Grateful PLUS 5 Other Experiences in Publishing My Memoir

June 28, 2015 By Paolina Milana Leave a Comment

It took me a decade, more or less, of therapy to be at peace with my past. It took that much, if not more, to put just a piece of me and my past onto paper, ultimately publishing my first book, The S Word – a Memoir. With the book having launched in May and with me seeing my story covered on the front page of The Daily Herald newspaper this morning,

Daily Herald Burt Constable feature on "The S Word"

The Daily Herald’s Burt Constable read “The S Word” and wrote an inspiring piece that made it to the Sunday morning front page. Truly humbling!

AND with tomorrow’s Chicago book signing, I’ve found myself surrounded by family and friends and even strangers and experiencing some…well…experiences and emotions that I’m learning aren’t all that uncommon. So I thought I would share what every memoirist might expect upon the launch of their book, courtesy of some of my favorite comedic moments:

“This One Time at Band Camp…”

My memoir is in part a coming-of-age story that, yes, involves the typical “S” word. S-E-X. A very brief but pretty significant scene has to do with sexual awareness and the “M” word. M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N. If your memoir touches on…um…bad choice of words…let me try again. If your memoir deals with anything having to do with, let’s call it “teenage angst” (think 1999 flick “American Pie”) you might want to prepare yourself for others reading about your private moments and wanting to share theirs. Note: this may include your grandparents. Just sayin’… And remember, they were young once, too.

[Read more…]

First Book Signing Tomorrow…

May 16, 2015 By Paolina Milana Leave a Comment

…And I gotta admit, I’m a bit scared. True, that’s yet another “S” word, but not sure it’s one I fancy right now.

It’s a strange swirl of emotions I’m experiencing. Didn’t expect ’em. Not quite sure what I expected to feel. For so long, I had lived in silence, keeping my coming of age a secret. That silence nearly suffocated me. So I finally found my voice and for at least the last decade have struggled to write my story. For as long as I can remember, I’ve dreamt of the day I would get it published. That day came on May 5, 2015. In the past couple of weeks, The S Word made it to a top 5 list on BuzzFeed. Tomorrow is my first stop of a three city book tour. It’s everything I have worked so hard to make happen. So why aren’t I jumping for joy? [Read more…]