death of a sibling Archives - Paolina Milana

National Siblings Day: Coming to Terms with the Loss of Mine

April 10, 2016 By Paolina Milana Leave a Comment

April 10 is National Siblings Day.

I no longer talk to mine.

My older sister – the one who’s married with two girls of her own – can’t seem to chat one-on-one with me, without our voices escalating, and at least one of us dishing out an unhealthy dose of blame and hurt. She’s a pretty terrific mom. I’ve even heard her tell her own children, “you’re sisters, and you only have each other, so you have to find a way to get along.” And they do. But her rule, clearly, doesn’t apply to us.

I miss her.

Text is the primary method of connecting with my only brother. It isn’t often, and I’ll take it, but it’s not the same. Not like it used to be between us. We grew up with me thinking he could do no wrong, and him always making me laugh. We had each other’s backs. It used to be easy. It used to be free. That’s what I remember whenever I take out old photographs and trace our smiles with my finger.

I miss him.

[Read more…]

Screw RIP: Rock it out, Vinster

January 17, 2016 By Paolina Milana Leave a Comment

“I wrote this,” my sister Viny whispered to me once when I visited her in a locked down psychiatric facility where she was a patient, as she handed me a thick, leather-bound book, the words “Holy Bible” glistening in gold on its cover.

“Catchy title,” I remember responding, one of my usual flippant answers when my youngest sister was off her meds and crazy came calling.

The baby of our family, two years my junior, was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia at the age of 24. And so, in a weird deja vu that I wish on no one, a dozen years after having watched my own Papa sign Mamma’s commitment papers, I watched my own hand, as if not belonging to me, sign my own name, taking the lead role this time in locking my younger sister away.

For reasons I still don’t understand, my sister’s repeated going off her meds and descending into madness always seemed to happen just in time for the holidays. More often than not, in January, we would be dealing with her in some facility or just having been released from some facility.

Oddly enough, what I wouldn’t give to have that be the case today. But it stopped on January 17, 2014. Because she stopped, or her heart did. That big heart that always fought for the underdog and loved without judgement and never could be filled with whatever she needed to be at peace, because what she sought could never come from the outside.

I had taken those calls countless times. “Your sister’s fallen out of bed.” “Viny’s been in a fight.” “Viny had to be taken by ambulance to get her meds checked.” It made my life hell. And at the same time, it gave me some bizarre sense of purpose. The last call I took was one I expected to end the same way, with the nurse and I agreeing to some tried and true course of action: upping her meds, bribing with incentives to take her meds, threatening to take away privileges if she didn’t take her meds… Only this last call offered no course of action.

I miss my little sister. More than I ever would have imagined. And I delude myself into hoping that the girl whose dream it was was to be a rock star is now up in heaven jamming with David Bowie.

Screw “rest in peace” – hope you’re “rockin’ it out” Vincenzina – the Vinster – Milana. What a huge hole you have left for those you’ve left behind.

New Year’s Resolutions? How about “Revelations”?

January 10, 2016 By Paolina Milana Leave a Comment

A lot has happened to me in my 50-years on this planet. I’m certain that could be said of every other individual who shares the same air I breathe. The “a lot” that has happened has been both positive and, well, maybe not so positive. Births. Deaths. Celebrations. Rejections. Again, I know I’m not alone. Plain and simple, it’s all a part of life. Like an etch-a-sketch, sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down, sometimes you’re status quo or flatline (depending on your perspective).

Today, I put together my annual vision board. What is it, you ask…? According to Make A Vision Board, “a vision board is a tool used to help clarify, concentrate and maintain focus on a specific life goal. Literally, a vision board is any sort of board on which you display images that represent whatever you want to be, do or have in your life.” Here’s mine for this year…

It has dawned on me, today, while working on this, that for years, my vision boards have been quite similar in dreams and desires. And slowly, in baby step fashion, much of what I’ve envisioned for myself has, indeed, come into existence for me. But it’s not until this very moment that I have realized that for way too long, I’ve been telling myself a story that needs to change in order to bring about what I really believe I was meant to do. [Read more…]

When Giving Thanks Isn’t Enough

November 26, 2015 By Paolina Milana Leave a Comment

Gratitude; giving thanks; counting our blessings: sometimes it comes with ease and sometimes not so much. This year for me, it’s the latter.

Oh, sure, I know I have so much for which to be grateful, the list including:

a great guy who is always there for me (not to mention my in-laws that luckily came as part of the package);
my two cats who follow and cuddle and fetch better than their canine counterparts;
my Blueberry Hill Cottage that stills my soul;
my memories of our recent “trip of a lifetime” to Africa;
a day job with so much purpose and promise;
great friends, the kind that even if we haven’t chatted in a long while, we pick up as if no time whatsoever has passed;
and so much more…

For all of it, I do, indeed, give thanks.

And, yet, I struggle to understand why I am feeling so lacking (for lack of a better word). [Read more…]

More Than a Rock Star

January 17, 2015 By Paolina Milana Leave a Comment

me-and-viny-265x230 Today is the one-year anniversary of the very unexpected death of my little sister Vincenzina “Viny” Milana. I introduced her – barely – in The S-Word. She suffered through a lot, and her life ended early at the age of 47.

I fully intend to tell her story one day because she deserves to have it told. The youngest sibling of four, she sort of fell through the cracks, almost like the runt of the litter. But in truth, she was anything but.

[Read more…]